People are often surprised at how much their childhood relationships seem to play in adulthood, especially in their marriages.
The truth is that even though you keep learning to connect with yourself and others in your life, your early years have a particularly strong impact on your general relationship style, even as an adult.
Children who feel supported and loved by their families develop a positive self-confidence and therefore lead to the expectation in adulthood that the important people in their life support and care for them. Children who did not get the constant acceptance, comfort, support, and encouragement they needed often had problems in adulthood. They may feel inadequate or deficient as human beings, and may not feel fully comforted or supported by their relationships. This is illustrated in a wonderfully insightful and imaginative story published in Currents in Theology and Mission. The story is something like this:
While James was growing up in a nice family, it wasn’t perfect, which often bothered him. “At the moment James heard a roar in his head, a tension in his head and shoulders and a feeling of nausea in his stomach. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew they showed something in his family was very wrong. “He called it the” sound of the dragon.
Meanwhile, Carol grew up in a nice family in a nearby town, which wasn’t perfect. James and Carol attended the same university and fell in love. Every time they spent time together they heard the bells ringing, a sure sign that they were made for each other.
Eventually they married and lived happily for a few years … until one night when they fell asleep they heard the roar of the long forgotten dragon. They tried to ignore it, but it stopped every night. They accused each other of bringing a dragon to their marriage. Finally they looked under the bed and found a single two-headed dragon!
Without knowing what to do, they put him in a cage. But their constant roar startled them, and the cage was always between them. They were angry with each other and planned to separate. Then they realized that the dragon could be split in two by returning to their children’s dragons and then following them in their next relationships. Finally, they chose their only real hope of happiness … they killed the dragon.
This is a story that continues to develop in marriages, although the ending is not always so happy. If you’re struggling with tension and problems in your marriage, it can be easy to see your spouse’s dragon. But for both you and your marriage, it’s important to remember that the roar you hear is partly the dragon you brought with you.
You could decide that it is better to separate and then only face your personal dragon. But you can also see that working with your spouse is the best way to kill your dragon … and that he can happily walk towards the sunset together.
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